thelifesmine

Another two cents worth.

Alienation between mankind. It's blatantly not due to physical distance, nor personality differences or similar hobbies. It's due to distrust. It's distrust that builds up these 'walls' between people and distance us from each other.

If that's the case, i hope i can trust more, and earn the trust in return.

-which is about as likely as world peace with my cynicism-

BLAH. Off to my last A level paper! Don't ask me why i'm blogging at this random strange hour a couple of hours before my last A level paper nonetheless. Part of my compulsive order : P

A's are starting in a day. It feels like some kind of war more than an impending doom now, -i'mtrying to be optimistic-. I really need to focus now. I've prepared for this exam significantly more than any, even it's not enough i still have to give my best shot.

JIAYOU TO ALL! (: 

And you guys make nj sparkle. <3

FREEDOM day one and two was awesome!!!

Anyway, today i went to watch fame with zifang at cine. We caught the 11am show and went into a smaller cinema with a musty smell, i think it was because there were really very little people watching movies at that hour. Anyway, fame was really good! I'm not one to be entirely partial when it comes to dance movies, but this was really good. I don't remember being bored at any moment of the show and the plot was pretty unpredictable (except for the all ends-well ending) and the couples. And most importantly, the movie set my mind reeling.

I've harboured feisty dreams about becoming an artist, doing what i really love. Because even when i'm upset in dance, i'm still happy because i'm dancing. I can practice and fret over imperfect semiquaver passages in mozart or to be absolutely upset when i've practiced hard and it didn't go right, but it really is different from being upset over results like prelims or CTs. I don't know how to put across this unjustifiable feeling; they're all similarly a goal you want to achieve but in dance or music, there's just this, passion, this i don't know -feeling- that drives you to be better and improve, and not how we begrudgingly are practically coerced into studying those academics.

But i really guess i shouldn't condemn academics in this way. It's been a buffer zone for me all my life, a safety region. Results within this region, it's seriously quantifiable. You can do ten year series to improve, or to go for tution class to save your grades. Ultimately, the goal is getting that A. In academics, it allows many people to reach this goal, this dream of getting straight As. But in the life of a performing artist, it just doesn't work this way. Just look at ballet. How many people like the guy in fame (ohno i forgot his name already) have worked hard, shed tears, blood, only to be rejected by a professional company? Or like him, be told that you just don't have the calibre? Or even those injured dancers who have their life taken away from them in just those few seconds when the doctor tells you you can't dance anymore?
To me, academics is safe. It's quantifiable, unlike the performing arts. Who's to say you will progress? Like the movie says, potential isn't everything.

Would you rather try, and get your heart broken entirely, or to just not try at all?

I'm cowardly. If you're an ardent performing artist with great sights set and enormous potential you're probably already scoffing at my first few paragraphs. What irony this is, that music and dance which i have embraced probably since i started walking and speaking coherently is actually out of my comfort zone. My comfort zone is sadly comprised of A to U grades (yes U >.<), of memorising notes and attending lectures and tutorials. So how am i to criticise, condemn and abhore this education system that i dislike but is yet within my comfort range?

I always moan and complain about how sad my life is to be a Singaporean student. Truth is, the reason of this all is because i'm too afraid. Too afraid to step out of this comfort zone. Have i tried seriously to pursue my love of performing arts? NO. Before i start, i'm already convinced that practicality and pragmatism is the way to life. I choose a university course that possibly leads me to good prospects. I'm convinced that as my parent's daughter, i cannot be so irresponsible to choose something that may possibly lead to a dead end in my career. I want, and need to support them and myself in the future.

But are these really just the excuses to my cowardice? Is it really because of these -worldly- baggages that i'm not doing anything about it, or is it just plainly because i'm scared? I honestly don't know. And these are the times where you find yourself, a part of yourself that's entirely foreign and scary. Also because i've been being WHO i believe i am, and not who i REALLY am. But i don't know her (my) identity to the latter. Is this just part of my schizophrenic personality or is this normal? I really have no idea.

Anyway, back to the issue of performing arts. Fame's really sparked up a train of thought, (watch it !) . Yet, i think by tomorrow, i'll be back to who i believe i am, that i really love the service industry and i am convinced to get into hospitality and tourism. I really don't know if that's what i want.

I honestly don't.

Anymore.

You know, i think sometimes i treat you too well that you take me for GRANTED.

Angsty, but it's really true you know.

Anyway, i have lost ALL motivation to study for bio mcq! I did mcq just now while watching tang xin feng bao -alfred!!!-  and needless to say i did only 4 qns in the entire 1 hour show. awesome. SHEEET. I really cannot do a single mcq without feeling ultimately sian.

Feminism, cultural imperialism, negative externalities, arimethic progressions and geometric progressions have been revolving around my life for the past couple of days. Work has been satisfyingly productive; FINALLY. This better not be self-jinxing. Econs essays, math revision packages are driving me mad. Add on a bout of revived interpersonal problems i'm so sick of even mentioning. THE FRICKING SAME ONE FOR ALMOST EIGHT MONTHS. If you're dead bored reading about my stupid problems you can imagine how frustrated i am at myself.

Today was, eventful. GC today comprised of ms ling sharing her thoughts after going for the conflict management course on wed and thurs. I remember some things she said, and i find them really meaningful. I have very little serious conflicts with others, i don't like to argue with others or anything, but i will remember what people did to me( yes i'm a typical petty female).
She said, to hate someone needed alot of energy. It's really kind of true, and sad, when you think about the people you hate more than the people you like. She told us to forgive, and forget. I think what i do is to forget. I forget pretty easily, but i never really forgive sincerely. I just forget it and well, it fades, the dislike.
She told us to treasure people around us, and i'm really grateful for the people i have around me. My family, my chij friends, my classmates and my princesses. And i started crying after the lesson( yes i was abit lag) when i thought about how much energy i used to dislike some people. From now on i'm going to channel that energy into loving those around me more instead, since i have such wonderful people around.
She mentioned how our class has segregated so much into our cliques and all, which i am highly guilty of since i stay so comfortably with the princesses.
Anyway, i really liked the way silvesta managed the issue this morning. He didn't hear what ms sim said, yet we all looked at him in the why-are-you-so-self-centered-she's-sick way. And he really didn't deserve this. So he talked, told us his rationale and ta da! the misunderstanding evaporated then. I think it's awesome. That way, there are no hard feelings, no grudges born.

I think my classmates are awesome people. I think i'm lucky to have them. (:


Of course, i'm uber lucky to have my princesses too.!

Minus our dear ziyun because she wasn't there that day ): 
These people are really awesome friends <3
There's jiawen who's always so demure and rationale while everyone panicks over something she'll point out the logic and get us to stop panicking HAHA.
And we have jean who's a dear pw group member who loves fonts and an awesome msn partner (not to mention her panicking ability)
Then there's peixuan who is super duper cute in her blur way who is equally obsessed with dramas and ktv as i am. ( OH WE BOTH LOVE TO EAT)
And goh jo-lin another dear pw group member who listens to all my rants and raves and does rubbish things with me.
Yurui who is the fellow noise maker in our princess kingdom HAHAHA. She listens to my bgr( or the lack of) stuff too.
Audrey who is super funny and an awesome CT rep. her -class stand- and -class greet- are just epic. HEHEH.
Ziyun who is an AWESOME listener, listens to all the things i have to say, and she's full of rubbish!

I thank the lord for these angels he's given me (: 

Lifejournal was being a total ass moments ago i couldn't sign in at all.

Anyway, i had a wonderful day today i'll classify under my can't-forget-days-of-2009. It would've been even more awesome if i went with them for dinner, but prelims are in 26 days and i'm painfully aware of my horrendous results.

Okay SO morning started out with national day celebrations, i think it's the first time i actually seriously listened to the national day speech and i could actually regurgitate stuff when jiawen asked me about something thereafter. Watched the performances by the houses, ignis's nobody was the highlight of the performances. It was hilarious, seriously. I liked lignum's dance-skit thingy too. Compared to the houses that talked ONNN and ONNN, see how much more effective dance is as a medium for communication. :P Song-singing brought back some of those memories linking hands and standing up with my seven princesses, although the rest of nj was like =.=.

After that, went for lunch at westmall's swensens with -breathes- xinliang shuning shermain jean jo-lin yurui audrey jiawen peixuan ben yichieh shaun. We were super lucky because after we got a seat, 5 minutes later the queue was like uber long. Shared crayfish pasta with jo-lin for the 1 for 1 deal thingy. In the meantime, we played one round of i have not and one round of i have. SHOCKING secrets about certain classmates, zomg.

After lunch, it was too early to sing k so the bulk of us headed to jo-lin's house to slack. ZOMG Xinliang was totally right about how we looked like some old-people ju le bu, with some of us playing mahjoong, ben and shaun playing chinese chess and while jo-lin played her old old chinese songs. It was uber funny, lol. Managed to win 1 round of mahjong only, ms lim yurui was on her winning streak today.

Then we went to karaoke at 3pm, and sang sang sang sang until 7 plus where i went home with yurui after that. Karaoke was super entertaining, listening to people i have never heard in my entire life sing like shermain, yichieh, kenneth and shermain. Kenneth's voice is >.< higher than some girls's voices, comparable with mine ZOMG. High moments of ktv included lian ai ing, dou jiang you tiao dao xiang and niu zai hen mang! I got so tired jumping and jumping. And of course, the food was yummy as usual. (: Our dearest 8th princess ms lim ziyun is sick and she couldn't come today but nvm sister we shall go again together!! (: 
Oh did i mention how i learnt something from ktv today.. Looking at someone was like looking at my past self, insensitive to others. I hope i've improved along this long path we call life.

Train-ed back with yurui and we talked talked talked as usual, and here i am.

Today was wonderful, but that's not the reality. The reality is that prelims are in twenty six days, shoot. But nevertheless, i'll remember today. TY to all the darlings that made today possible, and thank the lord for giving me everything i have. (:

ZOMG it's August. Had another panic attack earlier this day, did some work and after i calmed down i went straight back to sleeep. ZZZ.
Anyway, school nowdays has been really enjoyable because of the princesses; They're like the angels God sent straight into my life. Yurui's been sick this entire week though, get well soon yurui and be back on monday! Heheh. Anyway, yesterday's conversations with the princesses were kind of futuristic, we were talking about what we're gonna be 10 years down the road, how jiawen totally looks like a kindergarten teacher because she's so demure and how audrey wants to the the rich man's wife; Betting on who's going to get married first and ziyun's -i'm so not going to get married-; Speculating that far into future was kind of scary..
I can't even see myself 2 years down the road. Right now, i can only see my A levels and the bleak results it's promising at the moment. >.< I took an entire day today to do vectors which i didn't even finish. Now you know how i got 0 for vectors at CTs. Okay, must must study. ! 

Life's really been a mad rush of homework, revision which i am supposed to have started, trying to cope with the mood swings of certain that affects us all, and it's really tiring. I just slept for an extra half an hour past my alarm which i totally didn't hear. The past few days have been rather nerve wrecking with bouts of WTH was i doing last year. How could i only understand chem bonding RIGHT NOW. And i still don't know how to do basic energetics questions until the answer comes to me. Seriously man, i wonder WTH i was doing last year. And seven weeks to make the difference, i'm starting to think this impossible. GOSH. Gotta study harder. !

It's 12.06, i haven't finished studying inorg chem and i haven't started econs. But i am soo sian. Chem bonding has become such a fun thing to do because i know most of the answers now after doing the entire cdq. Econs is like O.O SIAAAAN ttm. inorg chem is >.< too.

BLAH SO RANDOM BUT I AM REALLY BORED BUT I NEED TO STUDY.

okay STUDY!!

I have deviated from standard A level student behaviour like how the ideal gas deviates. Doing cdq is like mass revision, i'm studying avogadro's constant and percentage purity all over again because i've kind of forgotten them. HEH.

Anyway, if you exclude the mad rush for chem, these few days have been uuber fun. (:

Friday was lunch out with the son and daughter! Ate 1 for 1 deal at swensens; i ordered fish and chips and regretted man! i don't know if it's the bishan branch or what, the fish and chips were SUPER OILY i started dabbing oil again and again out of my fish and chips, liqiang and ty kept laughing at me. Unhealthy okay kids! Took circle line home; I realise it's a pretty long walk home from circle line.

Saturday and sunday were stay-at-home-and-try-to-mug days; But saturday went to send pokes off at the airport. Mummy and pokes were quarelling so much i offered to give them some chemistry to do. According to my theory, people fight over the most minute things only when they're too free. Pokes is gone again for barely a few days and i miss her already ): 

Sunday i passed on BUTS because of my snail-pace of chemistry;

Yesterday impromptu-ed went to study at KAP after school with shi jolin audrey and peixuan; I think we ended up eating more than anything else LOL. Peixuan and i finished gases together before going home YAY! (: 

Today went out with ziyun jiawen peixuan audrey and jolin to watch half-blood prince! (: I thought the movie was pretty good except for the scary parts where i was grabbing ziyun's hand. Ty ziyun for your hand! HEHEH. Ended up meeting a LOT of njcians at orchard at least 20 others were in the same cinema; =.= Went for lunch and icecream after that! FATS GRAR.

Okay, i am so rushing this post because chem beckons thy, and miss sim beckons chem.

I really thought i was entirely fine until a moment ago the same fear of the past events gripped me in a most inconceivable way. I wonder how long more it'll take before i recover; I'm really quite sick of this, i really suspect i'm going psycho, LOL.

School has been awesome these days; Today before GC started the 8 of us except lazy peixuan and jean started playing lock and key and MY how we have aged. We used to run around for half an hour with endless amounts of energy, yet today we ran around within 1/3 the field for 5 mins and started panting. It was amusing though, relieving the childhood retarded moments. (: Frisbee-ed with the class for gc and it's amazing how 9 girls vs 3 guys and we still can lose. =.= Anyway we have a term for the strategy of the girls' which is the electron transport chain, to throw the frisbee slowly over to the other side so it won't drop LOL. The guys' strategy is FIREWORKS!!! once they get the frisbee it starts flying all over. I think the girls' frisbee goes 10 times slower the guys' frisbee goes. Hahaha. It was uber fun despite losing like crap to the guys, lol.

I think i'll pass on BUTS on sunday; There's too much chem homework to cope zomg, and i don't think i'll be very happy going anyway. Dance ended on a high note of AYG; I don't want to ruin the last good impression i have. So, thanks, but no thanks. I'm happy as it is.

The tears flowed once and a second time; The disappointment never ebbed. To let down so many people at one go; It's suffocating. And it's even more stifling to know it was all my fault. I don't want to let these tears flow again.

There's something changing in the subconcious. I wonder how long more it will take before i become completely foreign to myself;
And everything's about perspective now.

Off to chiong chem.

I don't want ever to get another U (if one more comes for CTs then that's inevitable) but i am SO NOT GOING TO FAIL FOR PRELIMS.

This feeling dead sucks, like you know how you've failed. Heck, i'm not even multi-tasking at this point of time i can't even push the blame of why i didn't do well to my aesthetics. This time, it's 100% my fault, and 100% my responsibility. Be it pulling the plug of my computer everytime i want to watch something or what not, i don't want to let this happen for prelims.
Forget scholarship talks in the meantime, i can't even pass.

-JIAYOU MYSELF. I WILL MAKE THE SEVEN WEEKS THE DIFFERENCE.

don't be so useless.

Okay, i don't know where this went horribly wrong. I didn't expect to fail. I knew i wasn't going to do well, but failing and getting U was seriously quite unexpected i think i just stunned at my paper for awhile today.
It's not like i didn't study or didn't finish the paper like bio. I am disappointed with this. ): And it scares me to know that i got a U when i studied. And with the way gp teacher was talking about GP, i think i'm going to do badly too. And econs, that write-rubbish paper, i'd be lucky to pass.
I know there's no point wallowing in OH I GOT U or anything. Maybe when i do my corrections for chem(which will be very soon) then i'll start writing bakas on my paper.





-Will be better next time, with Your strength.

Okay i have not posted in a couple of days because i've been too busy going out. HAHA.

Econs ended off CTs on a very strained note, because i was writing rubbish and my hand was aching like crap. Went out for dinner with zifang yiping and rachel at ichiban boshi! Yiping and i were spamming sashimi as usual HAHAHA. Subsequently went to walk walk around PS then went to icemonster to eat supper.

Thursday was such a lucky day with only 2 hours of lessons because mrs keng didn't come to school. What an awesome post-CTs surprise. Ended up rotting at bytez with other classmates and doing all sorts of rubbish. Kbox-ed with peixuan jo-lin and jo-lin's sister in the afternoon. I think it's quite worth it man, 10 bucks for 4 hours of singing and free flow of drinks plus food. The food was soo yummy and it turned out to be not enough so we ordered extra. I think jo-lin's sister is kind of amazed at how much peixuan and i eat. Kbox was super fun although i was rather tired at the start because of school and all. hahaha.

Friday was a slack day like how fridays usually are, went shopping with mummy after school! Zomg i love GSS and shops with 70% like guess and shops with 50% like nine west. Mummy and pokes and i went crazy shopping hahahah. Went home super late and my dad was kind of =.= cos he was waiting for us to eat dinner lol.

Today was a sit-and-home-and-slack day, which was kind of shiok. Spent my time catching up with reading, the luxury of time is just too pampering and indulging. Went for tution which was actually kind of productive until i started feeling sleepy; Then went to Clark Quay to have dinner with the chij-ers! Kristyn zheng bella joy amanda hong shaocheh and me we went to this korean restaurant at central. We even got a free icecream from the restaurant because they thought it was my birthday today yayy! We did crazy things after dinner like trying to walk along Singapore river in the drizzle and failing because the rain got heavier after that, then hogging the lobby of swisshotel while i was trying to see what kind of place i was going to have prom at; Camwhoring at swisshotel and sitting on the chairs outside the hotel; Crazy hahaha.

Found out some surprises about certain chij friends today; HAHAHA.

-And i believe that You've given me all this. (: